No One Saw This Coming
by ProfessorHojotheGEN-I-US
Summary: MPREG! And lots of Male x Male bonding is to be had in this chapter. When Ron and Hermione notice that Harry has been acting strange lately, the reason may shock them.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter in any way whatsoever which sucks cause if I did I'd be pretty rich and famous. This is for entertainment purposes only.

A/N: This conversation came up during my Orchestra class about a week ago. My friends and I were discussing what would really happen in the last Harry Potter book. Sadly, I haven't read past four, but I knew enough about what happened to get in on the discussion. So, as we were inferring and guessing, I started coming up with really absurd and bizarre ideas about what would happen. If you'd like to read about them, then go right ahead.

!By the way, this is rated M for really strong violence, disturbing images, and some language!

I hope this can be taken in the nicest way. I meant no harm, but a lot of people die and will act really dumb. Hopefully, you, the readers, can find humor in it all, but please don't take great offense to it. It's merely in good fun. And if you decided to ignore this little message, then I suppose that's your own deal. But if you did read it, then thank you and enjoy.

AND BY THE WAY, This story goes out to my lovely friends Becky and Andrew!!! WHOO!!!

No One Saw THIS Coming . . .

So, let me set the scene for you: everything is going pretty much the way everyone hoped that it would. Ron and Hermione are together and happy, Snape is, depending on your preference, good/bad and is doing/not doing the things you hoped he would/would not do, and so on and so forth. Right now this isn't about them, so just picture the story how you want it to be going up until the last chapter. That's where this story truly begins.

Harry is finally going to finish off Voldemort once and for all. They are in a cold, eerie dungeon and it's raining heavily outside. The sound of the rain echos off every wall and some of the rain pours in tendrils down the stony ruble of the dungeon floors and walls. Consequently, rains drips from the ceiling making puddles down to where Harry and Voldemort stand. The continual flashing of lightning and crashing of thunder makes the dungeon seem nothing less than a Hell on earth. Harry is soaked to the bone and his hair is lying against his face as the rain he ran through to get to Voldemort drips down his hair and onto the floor. Voldemort is standing there seemingly lifeless except for the cruel, sinister smirk he is directly towards Harry.

"So glad you could make it, Harry," Voldemort sneers, "I have been waiting for the day when I could finally finish you off once and for all." Harry, clutching his knees trying to catch his breath, merely glares at him from under his bangs. Suddenly, Voldemort breaks out into a crazed laughter, "Are you scared Potter?! If you are, then this will make for quite a poor show! At least stand up straight so I can kill you properly!" And with that, he began walking slowly towards Harry, wand poised and ready to strike. Harry, finally able to regain his composure, was now up and ready to fight with the dark Lord. But instead of walking calmly over to Voldemort, Harry charged at him and shot a quick spell out of his wand hitting the odious one directly in the chest. Voldemort was flung back a few feet, but he landed sternly on both feet grabbing at his chest and leering at Harry. "Well done, Harry," he gasped, "But I'm afraid it wasn't good enough!" and he shot back at Harry with a spell of his own. Harry was able to dodge it, but barely. It grazed his right arm and blood pooled slowly out of the wound and down his hand. But Voldemort didn't give Harry the chance to regroup and immediately shot another spell at him. One after another, the only thing Harry could do to stay alive was dodge. He hadn't even gotten the opportunity to strike since the very first hit that he had dealt. And that's when Voldemort struck him with a paralysis spell. With nothing in his body responding to him, Harry's body sunk to the ground with a pitiful thump. And now Voldemort laughed again, but this time it held no hint of enjoyment or amusement. "And now, you will join the parents you could never save," he said raising his wand to the scar on Harry's forehead. Badly wounded, Harry looked through his cloudy vision to see the look of his soon to be killer. Lightning flashed and illuminated every feature of the monster's face. His mouth was pulled into a tight, uncaring frown and his eyes, though severely squinted, still showed the ruthlessness and uncaring that they always held. That's when Harry noticed Voldemort's mouth beginning to move. He was starting his spell . . .

Just as Harry was feeling that he could do nothing and angry that his body wouldn't move, a flash of something sped past Harry and latched itself to Voldemort's face. Harry lifted his head as best as he could to see what was going on. It was then that he noticed that Voldemort no longer held his wand to his face. In fact, at the moment, the nightmare that had plagued Harry's dreams was now screaming in anguish and demanding, "Get this thing off of me!"Another flash of lightning determined that the thing was, in fact, Hedwig and she was currently picking and clawing at Voldemorts face. Harry continued to watch the scene in horror and in awe, he couldn't believe that an owl was capable of so much . . . carnage. All the dark Lord could do was flail around and cast spells off with no remorse. However, he had to be careful or risk shooting himself. Finally, there was a gruesome snap as Hedwig plucked one of Voldemort's eyes out. Blood gushed from the hole in his face and that's when he reached up to grab Hedwig himself, dropping his wand. But even Voldemort could not fight off the lofty creature, and Hedwig pulled the other eye out with just as much force as the one previous. Blood continued to pour out and the master of everything evil and corrupt could do nothing more than just scream in terror.

It was then that Harry realized the paralysis spell on him had been broken and he lunged forward to grab a hold on the forgotten wand. As Hedwig continued the assault on Voldemort's face, Harry held the wands hard, one in each hand, and conjured up the most powerful spell he could manage. "This is for my parents, Voldemort", Harry screamed as he lifted the wands above his head and plunged them down with a terrifying force right into the heart of the monster and released the spell. Voldemort let out a scream that shook the walls of the dungeon and blood spurted out at Harry from the gaping hole in the Voldemorts chest drenching him in blood and staining his clothes a dark crimson color. Suddenly, Harry was flung backwards and slammed hard into a wall as he saw the remains of Voldemort twitch and sputter as blood continued to fly out and heard his scream begin to die out. And then, darkness.

Harry awoke later to Hedwig nudging him on the shoulder. He determined that it was still the same day because the rain continued to pour hard on the outside. As he was standing to collect himself, he noticed that the dungeon had flooded. "This couldn't have happened in the short time I was out", Harry though out loud. But just as he was going over this fact, another flash of lightning struck and Harry determined that the dungeon had indeed flooded, but not with water. A lake of blood was now what Harry had found himself standing in. He looked around and back towards Hedwig who gave him merely a look of indifference and he noticed that she was covered in blood as well which tinted her feathers into a pinkish color. Harry gasped in fright and fell backwards, tripping over something. That something in question being Voldemort. Harry backed up against the nearest wall looking upon the mangled face of thing that once terrorized him the most. "Oh my God, oh God," Harry was saying over and over again. He lifted his hands to push back his glasses and realized that they, too, were stained with blood. The rain droplets caused the blood to swirl around in Harry's palm in strange shapes and slide down Harry's wrists. And then, he began laughing. A laugh of disbelief at first, but it quickly grew into one of crazy, uncontrollable laughter. Harry's sanity had been broken. Blood dripped down his face and down his neck, but the laughter never stopped. His eyes dilated and the world around him became red and fuzzy, but the laughter never stopped.

It was about this time when Ron and Hermione finally caught up to the place where Hagrid had told them Harry would be. "God, I hope he's alright," whispered Ron quietly. "Of course he is! Don't even say such things!" screamed Hermione. And, looking into her eyes, Ron said, "Of course, you're right. He is Harry Potter after all." And with a nod of approval by Hermione, they both ran into the dungeon.

Upon entering the dark and dreary place, Ron and Hermione could hear a strange sound coming from farther within. There running pace came to a jog and that slowed down into a walk as they got closer to the demonic sound. "What could that noise be?" asked Ron quietly. "It sounds like someone is laughing," Hermione suggested. And with that, they both ventured farther toward the sound hoping, more than anything, that it was Harry laughing after defeating you know who. They followed a staircase in a downward spiral hearing the eerie sound of the laughter mixed with the pounding rain. The wind had also started to blow furiously and it caused the thunder to sound like it was everywhere. Finally, Ron and Hermione stepped down into the last stretch of corridor left in the dungeon. Ron was the first to step down from the staircase and with a splash the blood lept up and soaked his pants. "Ugh, what the heck," Ron thought at first, but it was far too dark to see anything. Could Harry really be down here. He hoped so considering the laughing was coming from the same room he was in right now. "Hermione, don't come down here yet," Ron whispered, "Let me make sure everything's ok." He cupped his hands around his mouth and was just about to call out for Harry when a flash of lightning broke his resolve. However, he thought he saw a person only a couple feet away from him. "Harry?!" Ron shouted taking off in the general direction as the figure. Another well timed strike of lightning confirmed Ron that it was indeed Harry whom he had seen. "Oh God, Harry. I'm so glad you're alright. Hermione . . . it's ok, I've found him." Hermione left her position from the staircase and joined Ron. "Oh Harry, what a relief that you're . . . Harry . . . what's wrong?" The fear in Hermione's voice was quite immanent. This was because Harry continued to laugh. And it seemed to be getting crazier and more malicious. "Harry Potter?," began Harry, "You don't believe I'M Harry Potter, do you?" Ron and Hermione exchanged confused yet fearful glances when Ron finally said, "Why, of course you're Harry Potter . . . I mean, um, you know that." Harry looked up from his curled up position on the ground and began to get up slowly. With his laughter never faltering, Harry then turned towards the two friends he couldn't recognize and cocked his head upward yet slightly sideways. "I'm not Harry Potter," he croaked out, "Don't you know? Harry Potter has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead." And with that, Harry began to tear away at his forehead. Horrified, Ron and Hermione stood speechless not knowing what to do. Suddenly, there was a great cry from Harry and his friends could only watch as Harry tore his scar from his own forehead and blood streamed down his face in thick torrents. All the while, Harry laughed.

"Oh my . . . Harry, why?!" Hermione cried. "I told you, wench, I am NOT Harry Potter!" Harry screamed, "But I know who IS!" Quicker that either Ron or Hermione could see, Harry launched himself towards Ron and slammed his bloody strip of flesh, still housing the scar, onto Ron's forehead. "See! He's HARRY POTTER!" Ron could do nothing but scream as Harry jumped on him and started beating him senseless. Hermione, recovering from the initial shock of everything, grabbed her wand and started to think of a spell that could stop all this. Meanwhile, Hedwig joined the fight, but was trying to protect Ron instead of help Harry. "Infernal bird," Harry scoffed and took a swing at Hedwig, ignoring Ron. Ron took the opportunity and tackled Harry to the ground just as the owl swooped in and picked out one of Harry's eyes. Blood sprayed from the wound into Ron's face and this caused him to let go of Harry and stumble backward tripping Hermione and himself in the process. Harry's already soaked cloak was becoming drenched in even more blood and he sprung forward and grasped Hedwig by the wings. "Stupid bird," he growled gripping his free hand around the birds chest, "May you never see sunlight again. EVER!" Harry then proceeded to rip Hedwig's head from her body and drank the blood that leaked out.

When Ron recovered from his fall, he looked to see Harry, in all his gruesome glory, drinking the blood of the poor animal. Harry finished his deplorable task and glared directly at Ron with his one free eye, burning with hate and scorn. He threw the remains of Hedwig to the ground and stalked towards Ron. Gazing back, Ron noticed that Hermione had been knocked unconscious by the fall and Ron was left to deal with Harry alone. Grabbing the wand from Hermione's hand, Ron stood poised and ready to attack. But Harry was too fast for him and he shoved Ron hard against the wall. Leaning against him, Harry then breathed into Ron's ear, "Pity that there's no one here to save you . . . don't you agree?" Ron could only gasp and struggle against Harry but he had him pinned in such a way that it was pretty much impossible. Not only that, but when he had been slammed into the way, Ron had dropped the wand. Then, as if in a flash, Harry pulled Ron's eyes out of their sockets. With one of them, he stuck in his own face where his bleeding hole had been and the other he threw to the ground and smashed it. Ron screamed as he felt his blood run down his face and tried to escape from the dungeon he'd wished he never have come down. But Harry was there in front of him and grabbed Ron by the collar of his shirt and hoisted him up and said, "Your incessant screaming is becoming bothersome," and then he laughed, "But we can fix that." Harry then stuck his hand into Ron's mouth and ripped off his tongue. Blood gushed from Ron's mouth and mixed with his tears that had slipped down his face. Harry tossed Ron aside and left him to die, choking on his own blood. And for Ron, the whole world went black.

Waking up, Hermione was greeted with the awful sight of Ron's body slipping to the floor covered in nothing but his own blood. "Tis a pity," Harry said interrupting her thoughts, "he couldn't even save you. His beloved." Hermione screamed and forced herself to stand frantically searching for her wand. "Looking for this?" Harry asked, twirling the wand with his fingers, "It won't work though. It's broken." That's when Harry snapped the wand in half and tossed it over his shoulder into the cold nothingness. Again, Harry began laughing and backed Hermione into a wall, much the same way he'd done to Ron. "Harry thanks you for your eyes. And your tongue," stated Harry and Hermione knew it was his sick way of making her aware of what Ron had to pay, "But more is still required." "Mmghraah! Nghmt!" broke out a voice very faintly from behind them. It was Ron. He had managed to clamor to his feet and made a beeline straight for Harry. "Insolent PEST!" Harry screamed as he stuck his hand into Ron's chest and dug so deep as to be able to pull out the spine. Blackness had truly consumed Ron this time and his body sank to the floor in a puddle of a man that once was. "There, now he is no more concern to anyone," Harry said with a laugh. He then took the two wands into his hands and cast a paralysis spell on Hermione. "Hopefully your death will go fast . . . but then again, I've never heard of anyone going peacefully or fast by drowning." Harry then took Hermione with one hand and slammed her down into the bloody, cobblestone floor. The blood wasn't terribly deep, was it was deep enough to drown a person. Especially someone who couldn't get away. The last thing Hermione could remember was the cold laugh of Harry and his tightening hand slamming her face farther and farther into the floor until . . . nothing.

Harry's cold ruthless assault traveled far beyond merely the walls confines of the dungeon. He climbed the staircase and traveled into the night, still wrought with rain and lightning. He entered Hogwarts and continued the assault on classmates, teachers, and friends. Leaving no one and killing each in a grotesque, inhuman manner. Harry's attack was almost done as he stalked off to Hagrid's cabin. Once he had him taken care of, there would be nothing left. Harry laughed as he flung open the doors on the house. Seeing no one inside, Harry stepped out and called into the thunder, "Hagrid! Come out, come out wherever you are!" As he said this, Harry gathered up a wand in each hand and prepared to strike him down at his first chance. But Hagrid had different ideas. When he heard Harry making his way to the house, he snuck out and left everything as it was and went to a little shed behind some trees. He was thankful for the stormy weather because it would make him harder to be seen or heard. That's when Hagrid grabbed a shovel.

Harry was becoming impatient and was searching desperately for a man he once called a friend. But this was going to be harder on Hagrid than it would be on Harry. Hagrid snuck up from behind him and said, "I'm gonna miss ya, Harry." Harry whipped around just in time to see the rusted shovel slam into the side of his head. With a yell, Harry was thrown to one side severely bleeding from the smashed side of his skull. "Ugh!" was all Harry could manage as his vision went dark. "Damn you, Hagrid! . . . ugh, damn . . . you," was the last thing Harry Potter ever said.

Hagrid watched Harry bleed for awhile and, without saying a word, closed Harry's eyes and covered him with his coat. "Rest in peace now, ya hear. You were always a good boy, Harry Potter." Then two scantily clad women wondered out of Hagrid's cabin and asked, "Is everything ok now, Sugar Daddy?" "Yes, my dears. Everything's alright now," Hagrid answered with a sigh, "Now come give daddy some sugar." And with that, each girl took one arm and they all sauntered off into the sunrise. The diminishing rain symbolizing the day that Hogwarts, and Harry Potter, died forever.

The End

A/N: Well, that's one of the scenarios we came up with . . . except I jazzed it up a bit. I realize that the tense sifted during the course of this, and I'm ok with that. The reference to The Mummy was put in specifically for Becky, but if you enjoyed it too, then that's good. If you absolutely hated this story and thought I was way too mean, then I'm sorry, but I kinda gave a semi-warning at the beginning, But if you liked it and could laugh at it, then thank you for reading. Reviews are greatly accepted. And if a lot of people liked this, then I may add new chapters as regards to some of my other theories. But that's probably just wishful thinking.


	2. Chapter 2

1A/N: Ok! I'm back with another crazy, will-never-happen-but-wouldn't-it-suck-if-it-did deal. Sadly, my story, with all it's pitiful lameness, got lost in the bowels of Harry Potter fanfiction. Plus, I don't think my summary was jazzy enough. It caught, like, absolutely no one's attention. But that's ok. My friends liked it. However, I'm putting out another chapter because I still had more ideas.

Disclaimer: Everything's the same. I still don't own Harry Potter or anything associated with him.

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No One Saw THIS Coming . . . Again!

(This begins near the end of the last chapter in the seventh book . . . )

It had been a long fight already. Sweat was dripping from his face and causing his hair to become matter to his forehead. Blood raced down his face and body, mixing with his clothing and staining them a dark crimson color. His hands were shaking and he was beginning to feel tired. But as fatigued as he was, Harry Potter could not give up now. With the defeat of Voldemort lingering close at hand, Harry was tense with the excitement at finally being able to defeat this beast once and for all.

The battle had been raging for a good hour by now, but Voldemort wasn't showing near the signs of fatigue as Harry was. And even though Harry had struck a few good blows, the Dark Lord kept his sinister composure. Currently, Harry was crouched on the floor. Gasping for breath, he never seemed to find enough to regulate his breathing. But this must end soon. This battle must end soon.

Gasping as he pushed himself to his feet, Harry grasped his wand firmly in one hand. Whipping away the blood that had poured down his face, Harry raised the wand and pointed it directly at Voldemort. "What do you intend to do, Potter?" Voldemort said with a sneer, "You can barely stand, let alone keep your concentration. It looks to me as if you are finished. The best thing to do would be to give up and accept defeat willingly and without a struggle. I don't want this to be too messy." Glaring at him with all the strength he had, Harry lashed back, "Never! I'll never give up, Monster! I will avenge my parents and end your life once and for all!" Chuckling coldly in his direction, Voldemort took Harry's lead and pulled out his wand. "Time to die, Harry," he whispered in the dark.

In a flash, Voldemort was in front of Harry, releasing a spell. Taken aback, Harry did his best just to evade. However, he wasn't quick enough to direct it away completely, and he went slamming into the wall behind him. Coughing up blood, Harry clutched his side in pain. Voldemort had gashed him deeply, and blood ran in spurts over Harry's fingers as he desperately tried to keep as much blood as he could. His vision was becoming more blurry and fuzzy by the second. And if that wasn't enough, a persistent ringing raged his ears and made his brain ache. He couldn't take much more of this.

Deciding that this would be his final blow, Harry gripped the wall desperately and flung himself to his feet. Releasing hold of his bloody side, Harry reached again for his only hope. His wand. Staining the hilt with blood, Harry raised it the best he could and pointed it for the final time at the monster. No words were exchanged, but Harry's ragged breath mixed with his glare of utter disgust and contempt told Voldemort that his resolve was strong. But resolve never won any battles.

Dashing toward Harry, Voldemort was swift enough to knock the wand out of Harry's hand before he could even finish the spell he was planning on using. Yanking Harry into the air by his collar, Voldemort laughed at Harry's desperation. Feeling helpless, Harry grasped Voldemort's wrists and pulled, feebly, in an attempt to free himself. Voldemort drew Harry close to himself and snarled in his face, "Good show, Harry," and flung Harry hard into the wall. Choking a bit, Harry gasped once more. Blood was pouring down his body in such thick torrents that it would seem his body was at the brink. Shaking violently and heaving breathlessly, Harry tried to stumble to his feet again. However, his legs continually gave up on him. As Voldemort stalked ever closer, Harry looked around desperately for something, anything. And, a few feet away, he saw his wand. Flinging himself as best he could at it, Harry felt the cool, hardness of the wand underneath his trembling hand. Hands going numb, he did his best just to clutch it. However, Voldemort was on him again and stomped his foot down hard on Harry's hand, causing Harry to release his only hope. Sneering, Voldemort said no words as he gazed into the eyes of the battered Harry Potter. "Good bye, Harry Potter," Voldemort hissed raising his wand to Harry's scar.

(And that's the end of the seventh book . . .)

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Fans are so taken aback by the realization that this Harry Potter book isn't really the final one, that they go into a panic. All that hype that this is the last one was all for not. Or maybe J.K. Rowling just couldn't finish it? But, wasn't it suppose to be the last one?! Desperate fans look for answers. Finally, a month after the book's release, a press conference is broadcasted to fans all over the world. Rowling confirms that the seventh book was never intended to be the last book, that she wanted to add an element of suspense and surprise for the readers. Most are satisfied with her answer. And, hey, now there's one more book to look forward to. The hype for the next book promises to be a good one. Rumors start flying and, finally, the fabled day has arrived. It's time for the release of book eight.

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(Beginning of the final Harry Potter book, number eight . . .)

Harry gasped as he realized that this was the end. Truly, there was nothing else he could do. But in a fortunate turn of events, Harry hears the voices of Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid. "Harry!" Hagrid calls, "We're coming for ya! Just hang in there!" Voldemort turned sharply toward the sound of the voices, glaring. Then, with the same wicked face, he turns toward Harry snarling, "Your friends cannot save you now, Potter. Die!" And with that, Voldemort unleashes a spell that strikes Harry in the face. Arriving a little too late, Harry's friends can do nothing besides watch as Harry is tortured by the Dark Lord. Screaming in agony, Harry's body flails in an attempt to break free and rid himself of this pain. Hagrid, being prepared, jumps in behind Voldemort and smashes him in the back of the head with a shovel. Voldemort's cries mix with Harry's to become a chorus of pain and despair. Dropping Harry, Voldemort sinks to the ground and ceases to move. Voldemort was now dead. A victory years in the making. But no one celebrated.

Ron ran to Harry's side, gathering him up in his arms. "Harry," Ron cried desperately, sobbing, "Harry, please! Get up! HARRY!" But nobody could do anything for the poor boy. Harry Potter was dead.

(End of the first chapter . . . and, yes, it was short on purpose.)

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The rest of the book deals with a funeral for Harry and all his mournful friends and relatives alike telling sad stories as well as preparations that are made for the funeral and other specifics like his coffin size and where he should be laid to rest. At a whopping 307 chapters, each one longer than the last, Harry Potter book eight is by far the longest and worst Harry Potter book in existence. Sacrificial burnings of the book happen everywhere, and most fans choose to believe that there was never another book after seven. Thus, the wretched waste of paper that is Harry Potter: Book Eight, is lost to the world forever.

The End

A/N: Yet another idea that came about. I especially liked this one because I think it'd be hilarious if the seventh book isn't the last one and it was all just a big trick. But that's just me. And, apparently, I like to make Hagrid hit people over head with shovels, cause I made him do it in both chapters. Go figure. Anyway, thanks for reading. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Isn't it pitiful that I just keep updating this story? It's ok, though, because this chapter's going to break away from the regular bloody killings. That's right; it's going to be a chapter on love. Of the MALE x MALE kind mind you. It's even gonna have some Mpreg in it. That's right, you heard me. Of course, as always, things are going to get a little out of control. But, you didn't see this coming, did you?

-Still dedicated to my friends! They're the ones who sit around with me and discuss crap like this. Thanks guys!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter in any way whatsoever. Thus, I make no money off of this. Good? Good.

Rating: Still M because I'm too lazy to change it. And I guess boy love could constitute an M rating.

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No One Saw This Coming (Still)

It was a quiet day at Hogwarts. With the coming of winter, snow was lightly falling on the grounds and turning the once green grass a lighter, dull color. The students were walking hurriedly between classes because the air was becoming frosty as well. Ron and Hermione were, at the moment, hurrying to their Advanced Potions class. Having not seen Harry all morning, they had asked around to see where he might be, but no one else had seen him either. However, when they asked Professor McGonagall, she remembered seeing him heading in the direction of Professor Snape's room. This had startled both Ron and Hermione considering that Harry hated Snape. Deciding that he had gotten into some serious trouble, Ron and Hermione were determined to ask him about it later.

"So, what do you think happened?" Hermione asked, wrapping her scarf more tightly around her neck.

"Beats me," Ron said lazily.

"What do you mean 'Beats me'? Your Harry's best friend. Surely he told you _something_ about what's going on."

"Nope. He didn't say a word."

Leaving it at that, Ron and Hermione continued their walk in silence.

Upon reaching their destination, they both noticed a large crowd had been gathered outside. Many angry and confused whispers were coming from the crowd, and Hermione, spotting Neville, decided to ask what was going on. "Well," started Neville, "Professor Snape left a note on the door that says no one may enter. Someone even tried the door, but it's locked with a spell. Professor Snape even put up a spell around the door so that no one could hear what was going on inside." Confused by this, Ron spoke up, "But I thought Harry was supposed to be in there?" Hearing this and turning around quickly, Draco Malfoy stomped over to Ron and demanded, "What's he in there for? Huh?! Professor Snape has NEVER denied me access before!" Shaking his head, Ron crossed his arms and said, calmly, "You know, I really don't know. But maybe he's realized how big of a prick you are and just decided he didn't want to look at your ugly mug anymore." A few laughs rang out, and Malfoy pulled out his wand, ready to attack. Ron jumped back in the ready, pulling out his wand as well. Hermione tried to be the voice of reason by saying, "Ron, he's not worth it!" But this only further enraged Malfoy. Just as both boys were about to strike, a voiced hissed out from behind them, "Class is starting now, or do you want me to take time out of my day so you two can sort this out."

No one knew when, but Snape had finally opened the door to allow for class to begin. Beside the leer he now wore on his face directed at Ron and Malfoy, his cheeks were slightly flushed and his hair was messed up a bit. He was breathing more heavily than usual, and his robes were in slight disarray. However, he ignored the curious looks of his students and turned back into the classroom.

When Ron and Hermione entered the room, they saw Harry sitting at their normal desk. Harry didn't look much better than Snape had, and Ron voiced his concern to him by saying, "Are you all right, Harry? You look flushed. And you're sweaty." Smiling weakly at his friends, Harry contentedly said, "Oh, no. I'm fine. Really. Snape and I just had a bit of a . . . tiff, is all." Accepting what Harry had told them, Ron and Hermione took their respective places.

The assignment had been written on the board and, because Snape gave very few directions, the students were left to fend for themselves. "I will, however, need a small vile of this before everyone leaves today. And it's really not that difficult, so I expect it to be perfect," Snape called from his position at the head of class. Snape, however, did not take to just sitting at his desk during this lesson. He wandered about going from table to table criticizing or complementing depending on the person. When he got to Harry's table, he stopped at Ron first. Gazing down into the gooey purple substance that was supposed to be a liquidy green, Snape sneered and walked next to Hermione's potion. Hers was perfect, as always, and Snape merely gave it a nod. Harry's potion had turned a bright pink color, and when Snape saw this, he immediately cleared it away. "Now Potter," Snape hissed lowering his head dangerously close to Harry's, "you didn't follow the directions clearly, did you." Looking away from Snape, Harry said, indignantly, "I did, sir." Smiling evilly, Snape pressed closer to Harry and whispered, "It sure didn't look that way to me, Potter." Hermione noticed that Harry shuddered outwardly, and wondered by Snape was more cruel than usual to Harry. "You will stay after class, and we will try this again," Snape said pulling away from Harry. Nodding, Harry sat down with huff.

A few minutes later, a message was delivered to Harry. Opening it, Ron and Hermione peaked over Harry's shoulder to examine its contents. Both recognized the handwriting, it was Dumbledore's, but the message scribbled inside didn't make any sense. _"Come to my office immediately. You will be here for awhile, so tell Professor Snape that he cannot have you after class today. I have a little treat in store for us, but that's to be kept secret between you and me."_ When Harry noticed Ron and Hermione looming over him, he hastily folded the parchment back up and walked quickly to Snape's desk. Glancing at each other, Ron and Hermione were both bewildered as to what the letter meant. Taking their seats, they noticed Harry showing the letter to Snape. Reading the words on the page with anger, Snape, hesitantly, let Harry leave for Dumbledore's office. "Potter," Snape called to him when he had reached the door, "You will have detention with me tonight, instead. Be here at eight." Nodding, Harry made his exit from the classroom.

At lunch, Harry was still nowhere to be found. "Seriously," Ron said leaning over the table to talk with Hermione better, "What'd Harry do that was so awful? His potions rarely come out right."

"I don't know," Hermione said defeated.

"And what do you think the whole meeting with Dumbledore was about?"

"I don't know Ron."

"Oh come on, Hermione. There's got to be _something_ you've figured out!"

"I'm sorry, but we'll just have to ask Harry."

And as if on cue, Harry made his way into the Great Hall and made a place beside Ron. "So," Ron said before Harry had made himself comfortable, "what did Dumbledore want?" Breathing heavily, Harry sighed, "It was nothing. We just had a chat . . . and, yeah, that's all." Harry looked even more flushed than he did in Snape's room, and his hair was messier than usual. "Harry," Hermione said with concern, "You really don't look well. Maybe you should go to the hospital wing or something." Standing up suddenly, Harry stammered, "Yeah, I'll go do that. See ya around!" Waving weakly as he went, Harry walked quickly to the front doors. "You know," Ron began, "He's acting really odd. I wonder if he's hiding something. Hmm . . . hey, is that Malfoy he's talking with?" Both Ron and Hermione stood up from their seats to get a good look at what was going on.

It seemed like Harry and Malfoy were having a large discussion about something. Then Hermione noticed that Malfoy said something that made both boys blush, and they began walking in the same direction.

"Did you see that?" Hermione asked in a hushed whisper.

"See what?" Ron asked back.

"The way they both blushed when Malfoy said something. Did you see it?"

"No, but what do you think _that_ means?"

"I don't know, but let's go find out.

Sneaking out of the Great Hall, they noticed Harry and Draco heading up a flight of stairs. Fortunately, the hall was crowded and they had an easy time trailing them. However, they couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. "Ron," Hermione whispered harshly, "don't you have any of those extendable ears or anything?" Shaking his head, Ron whispered back, "No. I left them up in my room." Sighing deeply, Hermione tugged Ron to hurry and they started walking toward the two boys faster. However, it was at this time that Hagrid decided to come walking out of a classroom right in front of Ron and Hermione. Blocking their view of Harry, Hagrid glanced down and beamed, "Ron, Hermione! How are ya?! It's been awhile! Hey, where's Harry? Is he not with ya t'day?" Still trying to gaze past Hagrid, Hermione cried, exasperated, "No. We were following him, but then you cut us off."

"What are you doing up here anyway?" Ron asked Hagrid, trying to calm Hermione down.

"I jus' came up to ask fer some advice on somethin'. Why were you tailin' Harry any how?"

"He went off with Malfoy somewhere," Hermione huffed.

"Yeah," agreed Ron, "He's been acting funny lately. You know anything about it?"

"He went off with Draco, did he," Hagrid muttered to himself, seemingly forgetting Ron and Hermione were standing there.

"Are you ok, Hagrid," Hermione asked him.

"Hnn, yeah, never bin' better. Listen, I gotta go. See ya around."

And with that, Hagrid trekked off. Taking a few seconds to watch him walk away, both Hermione and Ron turned around quickly only to find that Harry was gone. "Well," said Ron defeated, "Now what?" At loss for a course of action, Hermione sank to the floor and said, "We'll just have to ask Harry about it later, I guess."

A little before dinner time, Harry made his way back into the Gryffindor common room where Ron and Hermione were doing their homework. Taking a seat beside them, Harry breathed heavily into the air. Noticing that Harry was still very flushed, Hermione asked him, "So, what did Madame Pomfrey say?"

"Huh, oh nothing," said Harry, his breathing becoming more stable.

"Really. And how do you know this if you never went up to see her?"

"Looking taken aback, Harry fumbled his words and said, "How-how did you . . . know?"

"Because we followed you, Harry," Ron broke in, "We're worried about you. Why did you go off with Malfoy, anyway?"

Biting his bottom lip, Harry looked away from his friends and said, "I just had to do something. But, I gotta go, so I'll see you later."

And before either Ron or Hermione could protest, Harry was already gone. Following him quickly to the entrance, both were stopped by Ginny. "Hi guys! What's going on?"

"Well, we were _trying_ to follow Harry, but someone got in the way. _AGAIN_!" yelled Ron.

"Oh, calm down, Ron," Ginny insisted, "He'll be back."

Growling, Ron sat back down. "Seriously though, where _does_ he keep going?" Ron snapped. Not knowing what to say, Hermione and Ginny sat down quietly and pondered this. Ron even stopped fuming to think. And it was quiet in the Gryffindor common room.

"Hey!" Ron's voice suddenly rang out through the silence, "Let's go find Hagrid! There was something funny about him today, and we still have an hour before dinner. What do you say?" Agreeing for lack of anything better to do, Hermione and Ginny nodded in agreement and got up to make their departure.

Walking down to Hagrid's cabin, the trio noticed a pair of footprints leading to the cabin that weren't Hagrid's. They also noticed how these same, smaller footprints had not made a trail back up to the school. "They must be Harry's," Ron thought aloud, "I mean, who else could it be?" Hagrid's cabin had one light glowingly dimly from near a window, so that altered to them that Hagrid was, indeed, home.

When the trio walked up to the door, they swore they could hear disgruntled voices coming from inside. Ron knocked on the large wooden door, and it became immediately silent. "Jus-just a minute!" called Hagrid from inside. When he answered the door, Hagrid was flushed in the face, just like Harry had been, and his hair in clothes were a mess. "Came te pay me a visit, did yeh," he rasped, "Well, come in, come in." When they entered the cabin, Ron, Hermione, nor Ginny could see anything out of the ordinary.

"Uh, who were you talking to Hagrid," Hermione asked, still looking around.

"Hmm, ah . . . no one. I wasn't talkin' to nobody."

"But we heard voices," Ginny interjected.

"Oh, I was just practicin' fer . . . my, uh, puppet show . . . uh, fer . . . um, you guys!"

"Really," said Ron in a skeptical tone, "Then where are the puppets?"

"Shadow puppets! See," demonstrated Hagrid.

"Ok, but whose foot prints are outside?" asked Hermione.

Becoming flustered, Hagrid got out of his chair abruptly and ushered the trio out of his house. "Now, if yeh don't mind," he said, faking a yawn, "I'm real tired, so I'll be hittin' the hay now. Have a good night. Say "Hi" to Harry if yeh see 'im." And with that, Hagrid slammed the door and doused the light in his house. Feeling discouraged and confused, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny began making their way back up to the school for dinner. "What was that all about?" Ron asked to no one in particular. No one had any answers for him, so they continued their walk in silence until Hermione finally realized something. "Hey," she announced, "Look. These are the same footprints from before. Except, they're leading back up to the school, and they look fresh." Sharing a determined look with Ginny and Ron, the three of them went bounding up to the school.

When they entered the school, it was just about time for dinner and the halls were getting crowded. Racing up to the Gryffindor common room, Ron dashed madly up the stairs to the boy's quarters when no one had spotted him in the main room. Looking around wildly, Ron was surprised to find that one had been up here. Everything was as it was when the boys left it that morning. Scratching his head in defeat, Ron came calmly back down the stairs and shrugged his shoulders. "Ya know, it might not've been him. No one's up there, and we really don't know where he went." Not accepting this at all, Hermione said, "It had to have been Harry! I mean, where else does he have to go tonight!" And, suddenly, it hit her. "Of course!" she said nodding her head, "We may not have caught him at Hagrid's, because he had his invisibility cloak, but he has detention with Snape tonight! If we follow him, we should be able to get down to the bottom of this."

"But Hermione," Ron sighed, "Just cause he has detention with Snape doesn't mean anything."

"You saw the way he treated him today, didn't you. The way he got really close to Harry without Harry becoming angry. It seems weird doesn't it?

"Well, when you put it that way. But, seriously Hermione, you must have an idea what's going on. I mean, if you're willing to risk not doing homework so we can spy on Harry and Snape, you must have a reason. So tell me."

"I'm not really sure about anything to do with Harry right now," she said calmly, "but something is telling me to find out."

Nodding his head as if to say "Whatever", Ron agreed to go with Hermione to spy on Harry and Snape. "But wait," Ron put in suddenly, "How are we going to sneak around un-noticed?"

"Um, I'll think of something," Hermione said sitting down to dinner.

Harry was nowhere to be found at dinner, and Hermione hoped that he hadn't gone to Snape's detention early. But that was impossible considering Snape was eating his dinner with the rest of the teachers. Forming a plan, Hermione poked Ron on the shoulder and whispered, "I've got an idea."

Finishing their dinner and leaving much earlier than the rest of the students or teachers, Ron and Hermione quietly made their way to Snape's room. If Harry was there, at least they would have time to talk about what was going on with him lately. And if he wasn't, which would be the more opportune situation, then Ron and Hermione could hide in Snape's room and see how Harry's detention went. "This will give us the opportunity," Hermione began quietly, "To see how Harry and Snape behave when they think that no one's around." When they got to the room, Ron peaked his head around the door. Discovering that Harry wasn't there, the duo rushed into the room and hid behind a large cabinet in the corner. "Now, when they're both in here, don't make a sound," Hermione commanded finding a comfortable spot to hide in.

"I know, Hermione. Jeez," Ron answered slumping unceremoniously beside her.

"Good. I think I hear someone coming. Be quiet!"

Sure enough, a few seconds later, Snape wandered into his room, closing the door behind him. Trying not to breath loudly, Ron and Hermione sat, hidden, waiting for Harry to show up. In the mean time, Snape wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. He merely came in and sat down at his desk and looked over some papers. Finally, at five to eight, there was a knock at the door. Standing up, Snape walked over to the door and opened it.

Harry walked into the room silently, and Snape closed the door with a quiet snap. He took out his wand and pointed it at the door. Two spells shot out and encased the door. Hermione determined it to be the same spells that Snape had used that morning before class had started. Thus, she and Ron were both trapped, so there was no turning back now. "Potter," Snape hissed through the silence, "I'm very disappointed in you." Walking away from the door, Snape went to stand in front of Harry and grabbed him roughly by the shirt, drawing him closer. "_Very_ disappointed," Snape repeated again, this time thrusting his hip into Harry's.

Moaning a little, Harry turned his face away from Snape, blushing madly. "It was a very simple potion, you know," he said while grabbing Harry's face and turning it back to face him, "And to think, you still messed it up." Snape then proceeded to run his other hand through Harry's hair and tugged on it, drawing Harry's face extremely close to his, "What ever shall we do for punishment?" Snape pressed ever closer to Harry causing him to gasp out. But Snape silenced the gasp suddenly when he pressed his lips to Harry's forcefully. And when Harry returned the kiss just as hungrily, Ron and Hermione were shocked.

"Blimey," Ron whispered, staring at the scene taking place before him. Hermione didn't have the mind to speak, but could only watch as Snape continued the assault on Harry's lips, then down his neck, and then, after removing Harry's shirt, his chest. A moan escaped Harry's throat and caused them both to jump back to reality. "Harry!" they both shouted, making themselves known as they jumped out from behind the cabinet.

Startled, Snape and Harry both snapped their heads to the source of the sound. Blushing wildly, both were speechless; however, Snape looked positively livid. "Weasley and Granger," he snapped angrily, "What are you doing here, and how did you get in?" Glaring back, they both took out their wands and pointed it at him. "Harry," Hermione asked seething, "What are you doing?" Struggling to get his shirt back on properly, Harry looked away and screamed, "It's none of your concern!" Startled by Harry's outburst, Ron and Hermione were unprepared when Snape flung a spell at them that caused them to be paralyzed. Falling to the floor, Ron and Hermione could hear Snape's ragged breathing getting closer. Looking up as best they could, they saw Snape glaring down at them. "If you must know," Snape hissed out in rage, "Potter has been coming here often to do this sort of thing, but it --, " but Snape couldn't finish his sentence because he had been cut off from a cry in the corner.

"Harry, my love, why?" the voice had belonged to Draco Malfoy who was currently crawling over to Harry with tears streaming down his face, "I thought we were a couple!" All eyes turned towards Malfoy and Harry. Snape, dumbfounded, could only stutter out, "Dra-Draco? How, why . . . what are you doing here?" Grasping Harry's legs and shaking them, Malfoy turned to Snape and wailed, "Harry's my lover, Professor! I'm here to take him with me! Oh, Harry!" At this time, Malfoy stood and, pulling Harry close to himself, kissed him deeply. So, not only were Ron and Hermione stunned literally and figuratively, but Snape had seemed to stop moving to register all this. "Impossible!" Snape roared after watching Harry and Draco depart from their kiss, "He is mine!" Lunging at Harry, Snape started to fist fight with Draco, when the door suddenly burst open.

"Harry Potter!" cried Dumbledore in distress, "Come here and let me make it all better!" Smacking Snape and Malfoy out of his way, Dumbledore embraced Harry in a tight hug and proceeded to kiss Harry as well. Angry and flustered, Snape and Draco decided to turn their efforts in taking out Dumbledore before fighting each other. Dumbledore realized this and, setting Harry down gently, put up his dukes. Suddenly, a very old man, a grown man who should know better, and a young man barely passing puberty, got into a huge brawl. Fortunately for Ron and Hermione, the spell Snape casted had been lifted and they struggled over to Harry.

"Harry!" Ron shrieked, "What the Bloody Hell?!"

"Indeed, Harry!" Hermione joined in, "How could you not tell us?!"

"Because," said Harry, anger rising in his voice, "I said it was none of your concern!"

A cry from outside the wall alerted all the people in the room. With a great blast, Hagrid came charging in from a hole he'd just plowed into the wall screaming, "NO!!" Turning to see what was going on, the creepy fist fighting trio stopped to see Hagrid land in the room and grab Harry forcefully. "You all got it wrong! Harry's MY Hunny-Bunny!" and with that, Hagrid planted another big one on Harry's lips. Shocked, the trio of two old men and a kid stopped beating each other up and flung themselves at Hagrid. Growling, Hagrid held Harry in one arm and swung his other. The blow connected with the three, and they went flying into the wall. "Now it's jus' you and meh, Harry," Hagrid said lovingly.

And just as they were about to kiss again, a large black dog came bounding in the window and tackled Hagrid to the ground. Screaming in rage, Hagrid lost his grip on Harry and tried, madly, to grasp onto him again. Leaping off of him, the black dog made it's descent on Harry and, when it was about a foot away from him, morphed into Sirius. "Oh, Harry. I hope they haven't hurt you," Sirius began holding Harry in his arms. Stroking his face, Sirius leaned in to kiss Harry as Harry, eagerly, reached up to kiss him as well. "Oh, Sirius, why?" called another voice from the doorway.

Everyone turned to find Lupin standing there, shaking. Sirius broke his kiss with Harry and looked up into Lupin's face. Then, with a remarkably straight face, Sirius responded back with a, "Oh, Lupin. You know we can always have a threesome!" Seeming to accept this idea, Lupin pranced giddily over to Harry and Sirius and engaged them in a big huge. Stunned, Ron and Hermione looked from the very happy trio snogging in the corner, to the very disgruntled Hagrid digesting the sight before him, to the other three men crying over Harry in the corner. "All right. ENOUGH!!" Hermione screamed.

Everyone turned to look at her and she continued: "Why are you all fighting over him? You should all make Harry decide who he wants to be with so we can all get on with our own lives!" Deciding that was a good idea, Sirius let Harry go to the center of the room where, though flushed and slightly sweating, he addressed everyone. "Well," Harry breathed, "This is quite an awkward situation for the lot of us. And I'm sorry that you all had to get messed up in all this, but I don't want just one of you. I want you all. So, can't we just have a seven-some or something? I love you all." Amazing Ron and Hermione, applause broke out in the room as well as the sound of men crying.

"He's so wise," cried Dumbledore, "What a great idea."

"Way ter go, Harry," Hagrid said sniffing.

"That sounds terrific to me!" wailed Snape, "Now we can all have him."

The big mass of crying men advanced on Harry, and they all had a huge group hug. "Well," said Ron, disturbed, "I'm outta here." But before Ron could depart, a puff exploded into the room and Dobby appeared with a tiny parchment in his hands. "Harry Potter, sir!" he exclaimed excitedly, "I have the results, sir! They are good, they are good! The test came back positive." Tensing, the whole room faced Harry who scrambled his way out of the hug.

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about, Dobby," Harry stammered.

"Oh, these are the pregna-mmmfghm," Dobby finished lamely as Harry slammed a hand over his mouth.

"No, you must be mistaken. Right!!" Harry glared daggers at Dobby.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Harry Potter sir!" Dobby cried as he waddled off towards the window.

"Yeah, go jump out a window, Dobby, you silly, silly thing," Harry laughed helping Dobby along.

The large group of people were currently staring wide-eyed at Harry. Turning around, Harry was blushing even more now from embarrassment. "You're-you're pregnant," Lupin gasped. Looking around and finding no way out of this, Harry nodded. Suddenly, the room broke out in sobs again. But they were tears of extreme happiness.

"I'm going to be a father!" Sirius said triumphantly.

"No way!" screamed Malfoy, "I'm the father!"

"No, I am!" interjected Dumbledore.

"You are all mistaken. I'M the father," boomed a voice wrought with evil.

Looking to the source of the sound, the inhabitants of the room were greeted with the sight of Voldemort sneering at them all. "I went down to get checked," Voldemort stated calmly, "and it matches. I am Harry's baby's Daddy! Eat that, Bitches!" When Harry rushed over and landed a big kiss on Voldemort, everyone knew it was true. "Don't fret everyone!" Harry said when he released himself from Voldemort's embrace, "We can all be my baby's Daddy!" After Harry said that, the whole room, excluding Ron and Hermione, burst into cheers.

"Ugh, I'm getting out of here," Ron said, deflating. "Good idea," Hermione agreed. And with their curiosity being fulfilled, Ron and Hermione left the room filled with testosterone and went to bed.

-The End-

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A/N: Yes, that one was the longest and strangest by far. But I bet you didn't see that coming! Anyway, if you read this, I'd love a review. I appreciate them very much. But that's, again, probably just wishful thinking. Thanks for reading! I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes if there are any . . .which there shouldn't be.


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